If only they would stop doing that. If only he would speak love to me. If only she would respect me more. If only he would talk to me more. If only she would smile at me more. If only… If only… If only…
Marriage is hard. And if you’ve figured out how to make it easy, you should probably write a book. Marriage is hard because there will often times be things in a husband that his wife wishes were different. And the same is true for the husband toward his wife.
Stop Using Shame to Change Your Spouse
Marriages can so easily have tension within them because there are things in each person that need to be changed. And both people know what those things are (sometimes), yet neither really know how to see that positive change occur. After awhile of frustration, one person will resort to a tactic that is so detrimental to their relationship and the person it is pointed toward – shame.
We’ve been shaming people since the beginning of our existence. We think that if we just harm someone deep enough (which is what shame really is about – getting to the depth of identity), then that person will change and stop doing whatever undesirable action the shame was pointed toward in the first place.
The problem with shame is that it doesn’t positively change. Shame attacks a person’s identity and goes deep within a person. It stays there, haunting that person for years, causing them to question their worthiness to be loved by their spouse, their worthiness to parent their kids. Shame is a tactic that needs to be stopped immediately in every marriage in the world, especially in Christian marriages.
Shame Free Marriages Should = Christian Marriages
I don’t get it. At all. But then again, I kind of do.
Shame should absolutely be nowhere to be seen within a marriage between two Christ followers. Why? Because both should know that each of them have the Spirit of God living within them, changing them from the inside out. If both are allowing this to happen, they will be making progress as spouses and lifting each other up in their struggles.
Now, I have to admit that this isn’t the easiest thing to do in the world. Did I mention, marriage can be hard? When a person has interacted with shame in the past, it can easily remain deeply embedded in their psyche even after an embedding of the Holy Spirit. Shame dies a slow death and it must be avoided at all costs.
When someone has been shamed, it’s easier for them to shame others. When someone has had an example of shame, it’s easier for them to resort to that tactic to bring about change.[shareable]When someone has been shamed, it’s easier for them to shame others.[/shareable]
Christian marriages should be relationships built on the foundation that God is the change-agent in each person and in the relationship as a whole. No one is too far gone or beyond repair. God is greater than shame, than disfunction, than every struggle you and your spouse are engaged with.
Christian marriages should be filled with pairs of prayer warriors who go to the throne of God on behalf of the other person on a constant basis. And not only that, but a place of mutual encouragement and reminding that God’s Gospel is, in fact, good news.
God will continue to mold us into who He wants us to be, we must allow that molding to happen.[shareable]God will continue to mold us into who He wants us to be, we must allow that molding to happen.[/shareable]
Want to Drive Your Spouse Away? Use Shame to Change Them
This is what is at stake. You and your spouse will either come together more closely through each person’s struggles or you will both grow apart. If shame continues to be the instrument to cause change in your spouse, you must realize that your shaming is the source of their negative view of themselves, their anxiety, and even their depression.
Shame shouldn’t be in your marriage tool box. Jesus took shame away on the cross and has given you a gift, a person, the Holy Spirit.
Want to see change in your spouse? If you’re a Christ follower, you can have absolute confidence that it can and will happen. By whom? Not you, but the Holy Spirit.
Want something to do on your end? Try this: “And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you” (Ephesians 4:32).
So what can you do?
Encourage your spouse.
Pray for your spouse.
Read God’s word together.
Pray together.
Submit to God together and talk about what God is doing in each of your lives.
When your spouse tells you about a current struggle, encourage them in God’s truths, and express your understanding.
Stop shaming. It’s not working. It’s destroying marriages all over the world.
Believe that God is able to make you and your spouse into who He wants you both to be.
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